It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so the admittance policy was deemed due for an overhaul.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was John Howard." Mr. Howard, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." Johnnie said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of a 26th floor apartment where we were staying for a conference doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress.   I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts screaming profanities, and stomps on my fingers; Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.

Shane says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......"

Football Follower
 
Two boys in Sydney were playing football when one of the boys is attacked by a vicious Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar,
and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A Sydney Morning Herald reporter hears about the incident and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Swans Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Swans fan," the little hero replies.

"Sorry, since we are in Sydney I just assumed you were," says the reporter, and he starts again.
"Roosters Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack!" he jots in his notebook.

"I'm not a Roosters fan either," the boy responds.
The reporter starts again: "Blues supporter risks life in heroic rescue!"

"I'm not a Blues fan either," the boy responds.

"I assumed everyone in Sydney was either for the Swans, Roosters or the Blues.
What team do you cheer for?" the reporter asks.

"We are both from Brisbane and I'm a Maroons fan,"the boy says cheerfully.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:
"Little Redneck Cane Toad Bastard Vandalises Fence and Kills Beloved Family Pet."

Calling his bluff

The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation that took place in October 1995, between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and some British authority. The transcript was released by the MoD.

BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITS: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITS: We are a lighthouse. F--k off.

Maori eggs
(thanks to a kiwi firey for sending this one in)
 Two Maori lads are riding along the motorway on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift.
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Maori lads ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.
He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.
Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Maori lads he has to leave. "Hey Bro" they say "gissa f....kn lift".  The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The Maori lads put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.  Sure enough the coppers pull him up for speeding.
The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Maori eggs.  The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look.  He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many Officers. "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Maori eggs in it - 2 have hatched and the bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already".

The Pal Diet
A stupid question deserves an appropriate answer

I was in K-Mart buying a large bag of Pal for my Labrador and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.
I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

Everyone needs a tree 

I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job: a flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric drill quit and his ancient one ton truck refused to start.
While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.
Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier. "Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again." "Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."

True story
Whilst building our house in 1981 a local resident 2.5 metre carpet snake caught the eye of one of the brickies on the job who asked if he could borrow the snake to give his wife a surprise.
Conditional to having the snake returned unharmed the unsuspecting subject was placed into a spud-bag and taken home that night, dropped on the kitchen table supposedly as Springbrook grown spuds to be peeled for dinner.
Needless to say poor wife upon enthusiastically untying the bag got the fright of her life.
Next morning the snake was returned still in the bag and during my absence was dropped into the rear of my landcruiser by the brickie who forgot to mention he'd done so.
I had arranged to take the landcruiser up to Brisbane that day for a trade-in on a new vehicle, so the trip proceeded according to plan except the snake found a way out of the bag and quietly made his way up under the dashboard.
On reaching the motor dealer's premesis the salesman asked if he could take the vehicle for a test drive.
So off he went down Logan Road, drove about 200metres, and went fumbling into the glovebox to check out the service logbook.
The vehicle came to a screaming halt whereby the door flew open and he fell out onto the roadway, picked himself up and ran back in a very distressed state unable to speak for a period and then stammered "Sssssssnake in the glovebox !!!!"
Sure enough, the snake's head was in the glovebox but the body was firmly wound around the steering column and in amongst the electrical wiring.
Anybody who has encountered trying to remove a snake in this type of situation knows it's better to leave it find it's own way out.
Needless to say the trade-in did not occur that day and the well-travelled snake subsequently named "Houdini" eventually extricated himself and became the resident of our garage roof for many years, eventually reaching a length of  5 metres.
Cheers
Sysop

Action by numbers
A Jamaican fireman came home from work, one day and said to his wife,
"Y'know sumptin' woomon, we have a wonderful new system at de fire stashun."
 
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings -we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.
 
"From now on woomon, when I say, 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.
When I say, 'Bell two' you jump on de bed.
When I say, 'Bell three' we's gonna mek love all tru de night girl."

The next night, he came home and shouted, "Bell One" and the wife stripped naked!
"Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed!
"Bell Three" and they started to make love!

After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four !!!!"
"WOOMON ... What de hell is 'Bell Four'?" he asked.
 
She replied, "Roll out more hose, mon, you ain't nowhere near de fire.!?
 

Baked Beans
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk.
On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.
All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on.
Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang.
She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go.
It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg.
He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on.
He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!!
It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse.
To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.
He got another urge.
This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next few minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table.
After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

A lesson in rodent anatomy
Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened.......

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies!"
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom."
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guy, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
By now, the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be wonderous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH GROSS!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know." (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to the own young. I mean, what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.
"Mr and Mrs Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labour.
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...Ernie is a boy."
"What?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um...er...masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you
know what I'm saying, Mr Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just...excited?" my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.
Then my viscious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on it's...it's...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the vet, and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter.


The chicken , the lion and the bear
A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.
Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
Lion says: "if I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me."
Says the chicken: "big deal I only have to cough, and the entire planet shit's itself."

A Wise Tale
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones
with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans
and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story..
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!

Irish Cemetery

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."!
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,
"Miles, from Dublin."

One for the Girls!
Men just CANNOT compete with a woman's wrath.....when will they learn?
A young girl on a years training course in South Africa recently received a 'Dear John' letter from her boyfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Mary,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love
John.................

Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they could spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other pictures of  the pretty lads she had collected from her buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
Dear John
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the **** you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care
Mary

Well now, you see it's like this....

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the rear that are killed. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because only the fittest survive thus improving the general health and speed of the entire herd.
In much the same way the human brain only operates as quickly as the slowest of it's brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells, as we all know, and naturally the alcohol attacks the slowest/weakest cells first....
So it is as plain as the nose on your face that regular consumption of Guinness will eliminate the weaker, slower brain cells thus leaving the remaining cells the best in the brain.
The end result, of course, is a faster more efficient brain.
If you doubt this at all, tell me, isn't it true that we always feel a bit smarter after a few pints?

I'm a Princess.......

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, bitch."

Kid's logic

A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helment.
The wagon is being pulled by her dog and cat.
The fire fighter takes a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the little girl says.
The fire fighter notices the little girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, " I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but... then I wouldn't have a siren,"

Interstate Relations

Four guys are driving cross-country together, one from South Australia, one from Tassie, one from Queensland, and the last one is from Victoria.
A bit down the road the Tasmanian starts to pull apples from his bag and throws them out the window. The South Australian turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?"
The Tasmanian says, "Mate, we have so many of these damned things in Tassie they're lying around on the ground. I'm sick of looking at them!"
A few miles down the road, the South Australian begins pulling bottles of wine from his bag and throwing them out the window.
The Queenslander asks "What are you doing that for?"
The South Australian replies, "Man, we have so much of this damn stuff in South Australia I'm sick of looking at them!"
Inspired by the others, the Queenslander opens the car door and pushes out the Victorian.

RURAL COMPUTER TERMS 

In this day and age, computers are becoming a way of life. They run electrical systems, are used in just about every business to some degree, and a lot of households now have one, if only for the kids to use in the production of their homework. Well, they are now intruding into the rural areas, and farmers and graziers are now using them to help with their primary industry. The following are a list of computer terms, which we felt may help those who are unfamiliar with computers. At least this way, you will understand what the kids are talking about when they tell you that the hard drive has crashed when they were downloading something off the internet.

Log On: Make the Barbie hotter.

Log Off: Don’t add any more wood.

Monitor: Keeping an eye on the Barbie.

Download:   Get the firewood off the ute.

Floppy Disc: What you get lifting too much firewood at once.

Hard Drive:   Camooweal to Birdsville.

Window: What you shut when it’s cold.

Screen: What you shut in the mozzie season.

Byte:   What mozzies do.

Bit: What mozzies did.

Megabyte:     What Townsville mozzies do.

Chip:   A bar snack.

Micro chip: What’s left in the bag after you have eaten the chips.

Modem: What you did to the paddocks.

Dot Matrix: Old man Matrix’s wife.

Laptop: Where the cat sleeps.

Software: Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster.

Hardware: Real knives and forks.

Mouse: What eats the grain in the shed

Mainframe: What holds the shed up.

Interface: What happens when you spit out the window.

Web:        What spiders make.

Web Site: The shed or under the verandah.

Cursor: The old bloke who swears a lot.

Search Engine: What you do when the ute won’t go.

Upgrade: A steep hill.

Server: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

Mail Server: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

Sound Card: The bower wins the hand of 500.

User:        The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

Network: When you have to repair your fishing net.

Internet: Complicated fish net repair method.

Netscape: When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net.

Off Line: The one that got away.

On Line: When the fish is hooked.

So now there is no excuse for you not to know all about computers, and to help the kids if they have a problem. Happy computering.

Opportunity

A well known long term unemployed fellow walked into the local unemployment office, marched straight up to the counter and said "G'day mate, I'm lookin' for a job.".
The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur for his daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black mercedes, uniform provided.
Because of the long hours of this job meals will also be provided and once a year you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holiday. The salary package is $200,000 a year.".
The fellow said "Nah, you're tellin' me bullshit!".
The man behind the counter said "Well you bloody well started it!".

Legless
An Irishman had been drinking all night at the local when the bartender called "time gentlemen please".
Paddy stands up and falls flat on his face.
Tries again ...same result , so he decides to crawl outside for a breath of fresh air.
Once again he tries to stand and again falls flat on his face.
So he decides to crawl 4 blocks home , crawls up the stairs to the bedroom , tries to stand and falls into bed and passes out.
Next morning his wife wakes him shouting "So you've been out boozing again !".
"What makes you say that " exclaims Paddy.
"The pub called , you left your wheelchair there again".

Email of the week

Top o' the mornin' to you
You have just received the "IRISH VIRUS".
Being Irish we don't have too much programming experience, so this Virus
works on the honour system. Please delete all the files on your hard
drive manually and forward this Virus to everyone on your mailing list.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Paddy

Logical

Two builders are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
I reckon he's an accountant. No way - he's a stockbroker.
He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder ...Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Oh! What's that then?
I'll try to explain by example ...Do you have a goldfish at home?
Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
It's in a pond!
Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!
Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Yep! Four nights a week!
Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Me? Never
Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
How's that then?
Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life!
I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.

I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Yep! He's a logical scientist!
What's that then?
I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Nope

Well then, you're a wanker.

Necessities of life

A workaholic finally decided to take a long overdue vacation. He booked an Island cruise and was having the time of his life...
until the boat sank! He found himself swept onto a desert island. Six lonely months later, he is lying on the beach when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him.
"Where did you come from?" he asks.
"I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my ship sank" she says.
"Amazing". "You were really lucky to have a row-boat wash up with you".
"Oh this?" replies the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were carved from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a mango tree".
"But that's impossible," stutters the man, "You had no tools. How did you manage?"
"Oh, no problem", replies the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools." The guy is stunned.
"Lets row over to my place." She says. She docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow.
"It's not much but I call it home," she says. "Would you like another drink?"
"No thank you," he says still dazed. "Can't take any more of that coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have my own still. How about a Pina Colada while I slip into something more comfortable." She returns wearing nothing but vines and a strategically placed shell necklace.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here a long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely.
There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months," her hands sliding over his legs.
He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck! "You mean." he gasps, "I can actually check my e-mail from here?"

Good Sport

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the highway for a
nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what
was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle went
over 120 km/h, he suddenly saw flashing  blue lights behind him.
There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened
her up further. The needle hit 140,160 ... then the reality of the
situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled
over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it
the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's
Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse
for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a
cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

ORGANIZATIONS

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys , all on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up , some down .
Others just swing from limb to limb at the same level .
The monkeys at the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces .
The monkeys at the bottom look up and see nothing but arseholes.

Couldn't resist this one

Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.
"B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how short dat runway is".
"You're not kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus. "Dis is gonna be one a'de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see"
said Paddy.
"You're not kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus.
"Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.
"And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.
"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.
"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy.
"I be doing dat already" replied Shamus.
So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.
Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board.
As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus "Dat has gotta be de shortest runway I have EVER seen in me whole life".Shamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how wide it is".

MURPHY LAWS OF FIRE FIGHTING

Financial incentive
Then there was the case of the brigade who shall remain nameless whose crew in an old utility arrived ahead of the firetruck at a fast-moving grass fire that was heading toward a plant nursery.
The property owner when advising the brigade of the fire offered a $1000 incentive for the brigade to protect his nursery and was amazed to see the ute screaming down the hill , shot past the nursery and straight into the fire wherein the members jumped out and proceeded to beat out the flames with their yellow overalls .
With the arrival of the fire truck the fire was eventually contained and the nursery saved , resulting in the greatful owner presenting a cheque for $1000 to the crew and enquiring.......
"What are you going to spend the money on ?"...........
The unanimous response was ....... "Fixing up the brakes on that bloody utility !"

The resourceful immigrant
A man came into a greengrocers shop in Brisbane and asked for HALF a lettuce .
The young shop assistant said he would have to ask the manager as lettuce was sold by the head.
He walked into the back room and said to the manager "there's an idiot out there who wants to buy half a lettuce" , as he finished the statement he realized that the customer had followed behind him so he quickly added , "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half ":
The manager OK'd the deal and the customer went on his way.
Later the manager called the shop assistant in and said "you almost got yourself into trouble before but I must say that I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it . You think on your feet and we like that around here . Where do you come from son ?"
"New Zealand sir "
"You're Joking - why did you leave ?"
"Because they're all whores and rugby players over there"
"My wife is from New Zealand !!!"
"Really sir , and what team did she play for ?"

Here's a True story of the going ons in Childers.

A short while ago, there was a large 4-day fire a few towns away. A few of
our guys were sent to help with the fire. Two fellows and an appliance
were sent to a house to evacuate the occupants, and remain to patrol the
house. After a while being there, the owner came back from his fishing
trawling business. The fireies explained what had happened whilst he was
gone, and he then gave them a few sandcrabs to keep them going while they
were on duty. After their shift was over, they came back to the Childers
Fire Station, crab shells and all. One of the firies at the station noted
that there was crab shells and wanted to know where they had come from.
The fireies on the truck told him that the fire had come so close to the
river that it had boiled and cooked the crabs, and that there was still
crabs floating all over the river. The next thing anyone saw was the
fireie heading over the horizon in his Ute to pick up as many crabs as he
could!

MaT

And you thought you had it tough !
The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the blueprints for the ark."

Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall. Noah sat in his front yard, weeping.

"Why haven't you built the ark?" asked the Lord  "Oh, forgive me" ,said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things happened. The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a varience. The Department of Natural Resources required tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by a state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the animals. The EPA required an environmental impact study concerning the flood. The Council Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain. The Taxation Office seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission said I wasn't hiring enough women. I'm sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years."

Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. Noah looked up and said, "Lord, does this mean you're not going to devastate the earth"
"I'm too late, said the Lord. "The government already has".

Yet another Shaggy-dog yarn !

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads,
"Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar note. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.
So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus.
The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs.
Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, the bag still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house.
He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!  There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden.He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as the local fire chief opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"
To which the chief responds, "Clever, my foot! This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

"Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A. "NO."
Q. "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A. "NO."
Q. "Did you check for breathing?"
A. "NO."
Q. "So then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A. "No"
Q. "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A. "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q. "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A. "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere I suppose."

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